i'm transitioning to a very positive person even though i've always been that?? I guess i've had less setbacks recently than i had last year.  This time last year, I had mixed feelings and i was a mess, a big tangled mess who couldn't get her shit together without hearing it from someone else. You kind of grow up when you lose that person and at the same time you learn to depend more on yourself, than too much on others.  I was desperate to get out of that toxic cycle. I was on the verge of completely giving up and staying bleak, which i'm glad that i didn't follow.

>  I guess living is just a cycle with someone throwing both good and bad parts and then mixing it altogether.

Labels: diary

I like this city, my city. However on some occasions it can become too much for me to handle. It's not the city, it's more the people in it that keeps dragging me down to somewhere i'd rather not be.  Some people can complicate the simplest things into a bigger and complicated problem(s). For some reason, the problems continue to pile up, a stack full of unwanted and undeserved problems.  It's fine here. I don't like it nor dislike it. it's just that i need to get a breather. I need to get myself together, i need to think through everything that's been piled up to me. I need to relax, i need to think. i need to get out of here. 
Who am i kidding? I'm taking the first flight out of here when im done done done done.

Labels: diary

having your heart scattered all over the place is tough. what's even tougher is trying to pick up all those pieces and putting it back together, as if it had been untouched. Remaining the same, staying sane is not an option. You just had your heart taken from you and then thrown, perhaps trampled. Changing is inevitable, because we start to question ourselves. To answer those questions we look for clues, in ourselves, in others. The most important thing is probably knowing that no one can fix you.  It's sounds so damn depressing, and it's entirely too. your feelings won't subside especially if you forcibly try to choke it out of you through someone else. Take your time, and heal your heart. Just because it was broken, doesn't mean it can't be fixed. With time, acceptance and strength, it will surely mend. Stop diminishing and self-doubting yourself, you know you will reach your goal.

pure happiness is awaiting me.

Labels: diary

How can someone mean so much to you, yet you mean so little to them. People tend to think by passing time, your wounds heals. It does, it completely does. However what happens when they reopen it, when they cut you so open till you're bare, till you're naked. The memories still linger, yet the person is gone. It's not the same anymore, it has changed dramatically especially in such a short time. Maybe it's meant to, maybe it's not. I find myself sometimes stuck, unable to move, because i'm stuck in a quicksand that eats me up. Our hearts are supposed to be as strong as steel, but isn't it ironic... They falter after hearing a couple of words. I'm amazed over how easily i can convince myself that some things doesn't matter when they clearly do.  I'm so good at this, it doesn't shock me when it comes haunting me later (as it is happening)

I'm dizzy, the ground under me is dissolving, where do i go?

it's over now, it really is. welcome back insomnia and melancholia, you're probably the only thing that keeps me up nowadays.

Labels: diary

Labels: diary

i've been on a hiatus for a quite while, my life has had its ups and downs. I came out staggering, clinging to whatever dragged me out of that darkness. I'm not saying my life has been only down, because that would be a complete lie. I guess for the most part of 2014, i had a very unstable and unhealthy relationship with myself and how i viewed certain things. I guess i've always been a pessimist, a realist to some point. That's a very bad habit and hard to get rid of at the same time. I just decided that this year i would try to be happy and not let my depression take over. I know i'm deserving and entitled to some happiness in my life, and 2014 wasn't the best example of that.  I'm not saying that 2015 should be like dancing on petals. I will have bad days, that's inevitable. Nevertheless, i will try, not to let every single thing affect me on a big scale.

Labels: diary

Nowadays people are so fast to put the scarlet A on girls, just because they heard some rumors circulating about them. How about minding your own business for once?
Rather than focusing on others, maybe one should just focus on her/himself.  be a better person, be the bigger person. mind your own damn business.

Labels: diary

It's your life, not theirs. You roll the dice, you make the choices. Don't put it in someone else's hand. You're in control, you've always been. If not, then you will be. Be patient, breathe deep; it's your life. It's your life. Let it resonate in your soul. You make the calls, so go live. Live for yourself, live for the small things that make you happy, live for your ideas, hopes and goals. Live because you want to travel, see more, know more. Live, because it's for you. And that's the sole purpose you'll ever need.

Labels: diary

my life is like a movie and i have the front seat to everything. I tend to be half conscious and half paramnesia. i feel like that sometimes i have  a very slow perception of time, which even confuses me more.  The past few days have been quite fun, where i've been satisfied of where I'm standing and who i'm surrounded by. I used to think that i had this stoic demeanor, which is completely false. (im more susceptible to many things.) Maybe having a stoic demeanor is the ultimate goal, cause it sounds easier but i doubt that.